Damn Dog…
Posted on | March 7, 2010 | Comments Off
She kept thinking about the yelling dog, she knew he was right even if he was a dog…
Get Up!!!
Posted on | March 6, 2010 | Comments Off
She wasn’t sure what was a dream and what was reality anymore. A rather large dog was yelling at her to “Get up!” and she really wanted nothing of it. She was content with being curled up in her bed. She vaguely remembered something about taking a walk and wondered if the dog needed to go out.
She curled up and slept some more.
She read some more.
She thought about the dog.
She prayed.
But she still couldn’t get up…
Relax, it’s just prayer…
Posted on | March 5, 2010 | Comments Off
She returned back to earth a couple days later having read an almost 1100 page novel and feeling worse than ever. One gets emotionally involved in these things and now she was left to sit with her own thoughts and figure out where she’d “go” next in her reading version of time travel. The feeling of emptiness was compounded by the physically sick feeling she was suffering, no doubt from her latest medication change, or from the psychosomatic response to her latest medication change. They were equally real to her regardles of their cause and she kept a bucket by the bed just in case.
She was told to pray. And she wanted to. But that also meant quiet comtemplation and speaking to someone who wasn’t there and that kind of scared her. The quiet contemplation was always accompanied by thoughts racing through her head…thoughts of things that could have been, things that she should be doing, things she didn’t really need to worry about, things she needed to worry about, but would do nothing about even though she was worrying. And then there was the talking. She really wasn’t sure how to approach it, having not been educated in such things as a child. The one thing that stuck with her was that it seemed pretty stupid to be asking for anything right now when so many horrible things were going on in the world. She wondered if this “Higher Power” was sitting there thinking that she had some nerve. Not to mention talking to someone “not there” always made her think of signs of a more serious mental illness.
She heard another siren and it stung.
Her chest began to tighten and her breathing became more shallow. She knew it was time for deep breaths and another book to carry her off. Too much thinking was definitely not what she needed right now. Relax…and pray.
Cancer Sucks…
Posted on | March 2, 2010 | Comments Off
She sat quietly thinking how disgusting it was that she could even complain about a single thing in her life. She’d just gotten the news that a beloved family member was now in stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Though she knew from the initial diagnosis that this was not a cancer one “beat”, it still hit her hard to see that word and that number together…stage 4. The beginning of the end. Another person in her life who played a significantly important roll was also battling cancer. And here she was playing with her misery rubber band balls. That almost sounded perverse. The world was perverse. The whole idea of cancer was perverse. These damn cells invading the body and taking over like an alien life form. Now there’s a thought. She often wondered if all the diseases in the world weren’t just another one of Mother Nature’s ways of ridding the world of excess population. We weren’t supposed to live so long. We are educating ourselves so we don’t do as many stupid things to kill ourselves. We know better than to mate within our gene pools. Well, usually.
She wondered what her fate would be? Would she be fighting cancer one day as well? Or would she die in some violent accident? Would she be like that corpse on the side of the highway, covered in the yellow tarp except for an arm sticking out. She wondered how many vehicles driving by that morning noticed the arm. How disrespectful. Would someone erect a roadside memorial? Her thoughts were getting far too morbid. Her death shouldn’t be on her mind, once again she was thinking of herself. She should be hoping for mercy for those close to her…hell, for everyone out there fighting to live.
The jar on the fireplace…
Posted on | March 2, 2010 | Comments Off
She sat thinking about her misery and how she nurtured it. She fed it and kept it alive with every self destructive thing that she did. She wasn’t stupid. She knew better. But subconsciously, and sometimes even consciously, she kept it going just the same because it was hers. It was there in front of her like a ball made of rubber bands to play with and marvel at, add to and bounce around and collect dust when she no longer had a use for it. And if all things balance out, black and white, good and evil, then she should get a massive dose of whatever the opposite of misery is. Right? Right. Sure. That’s what she kept telling herself. Or at least that was what she kept telling herself to tell herself.
On the fireplace was a jar containing rubberband balls of various colors. No one understood her.
What would her dreams be tonight???
Posted on | March 1, 2010 | Comments Off
An uneasy feeling wrapped around her like a foggy morning in San Francisco. And it stayed with her all day. She wished she could put a finger on what was really bothering her. Often times she could sense things before they came to pass, but today was just a general ill feeling one might get if they walked into an abandoned building expecting to find something gruesome. In fact, she’d give just about anything to be able to get up and walk into an abandoned building at this point, but for now she was trapped in her dark little cave, blinds drawn down with her mood.
She glanced over at the bookshelf and wondered if she should exchange the novel she was reading for something more in the “self help” category. She should be an expert by now with all the books she’d read. Now if she could just control the weirdity that was her brain. Especially when it was time to go to sleep. There was nothing worse than getting sleepy and then turning out the light and having her head suddenly decide it was time to go 100 miles per hour. So many things would come to mind, things she really, really didn’t want to think about before bed if ever again. It could be absolute terror some nights, last night having been up till 0400 dealing with her monsters.
So, tonight would be interesting, with this creepy feeling she had enveloping her all day, and an overly active imagination to sing her a lullaby…
Mother Earth is getting pissed…
Posted on | February 27, 2010 | Comments Off
She was starting to wonder if Mother Earth wasn’t trying to say something to us all. The most recent “Motherly chats” being the horrific rumblings in Haiti and now Chile. Earthquakes were something she knew all too well and that old idea of a piece of California breaking off or worse yet, some obscure faultline in some other part of the country ripping wide open would not surprise her one bit. Kind of made her wonder why she was wasting her life away when there were obviously bigger plans in the works for the entire world, perhaps even the universe. Perhaps this was another (not so subtle) message of inspiration. What was the rest of the world going to do with it? Would they sing another song about it?
Coming Back Down…
Posted on | February 27, 2010 | Comments Off
She thought about how coming back down was always such a relief (once it started and she accepted she had no choice) yet held so much fear as if she were in an elevator that may never stop going down. She wished she had someone who was there for her, someone who truly understood. But people merely tolerated her. She knew she wasn’t the only one. She knew she wasn’t unique to the world, but she still felt alone on this journey… and that the people around her could merely stand back and wait until she resumed some sense of normal. Whatever that was.
Come Back Down
Love me back to life…
Posted on | February 26, 2010 | Comments Off
She remembered hearing this song for the first time…a friend had shared it with her…someone suffering as well. Funny how the suffering, how misery needs company.
Love Me Back To Life
We can only change ourselves…
Posted on | February 26, 2010 | 1 Comment
Her mood had lifted and she somehow knew things were going to get better because it really wasn’t in her hands anyway. She’d wasted so much time worrying about something she had not a single bit of control over. Had she really learned nothing after all? It was time to start focusing on the things in her life she could change. Certainly she cannot change another person.
She took a deep breath. It could all end today. She knew that too well. But, she knew she’d be ok. For now.
Now it was time to start treating everything in life like a box of fine chocolate. Nothing was to be gobbled up and then gotten sick over. Everything should be savored slowly. Nothing should be done in excess. Just take enough to satisfy, don’t overindulge. That was the key to it all. Don’t wallow – don’t worry – don’t wish for more when she’d had enough. Simple, right?
Hello out there
Welcome to Company Needs Misery. If you like the site, please bookmark it and come back often. You never know what crazy ramblings you will find when you return. Feel free to use the contact form to introduce yourself or give any input if you aren't into commenting on the entries themselves. Any and all feedback is welcome. Spam is not. Spam of the cyber nature is mean and Spam of the food nature is gross. Thank you for taking the time to look the place over. And please remember, this website in no way replaces therapy from a professional so please consult a physician if you are in crisis. Thanks. ~C
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