Um, if you don’t take ahold of the steering wheel, you will crash…
Posted on | March 22, 2010 | Comments Off
I’m always baffled at how one can spend hours with their mind racing, horrible thoughts trailing through, “what ifs” causing a literal state of fear in the body, chemicals out of balance, more thoughts racing, anticipatory anxiety eating a hole in one’s chest leaving an empty cavern aching for something to fill it, but really nothing can. Any attempt at alleviating the pain would be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and then the frustration would add to the anxiety causing even more pain. Actually pain may not be the right word here, because pain can be exactly what alleviates the anxiety. At least for a little while. Physical pain can be good. But it isn’t easy to obtain physical pain without a whole other set of problems. It isn’t socially graceful to cut oneself and if you aren’t emotionally strong enough to handle criticism, piercings and tattoos and spankings can be trouble as well. Beating oneself over the head probably doesn’t really fit the bill, though might knock some sense in. Haven’t tried that one personally though I’m sure I have a few friends who’d love to do it for me. And then there are the health care professionals who probably disagree with this theory completely. (If anyone is reading this, please seek professional help and don’t go out and bonk yourself on the head or anything ok?)
But I digress…I think that rant was going somewhere in the direction of waiting for something, worrying about it, and then it not turning out anything like we expected. Wow, aint life fun. And we know this happens all the time. Anticipatory anxiety is a killer…carving an invisible hole in a person, their guts often spilling out all over as they break down emotionally. Not pretty. So how can emptyness hurt? If something isn’t there, why would it hurt? (Suddenly I’m hearing someone asking that stupid question of a bear knocking a tree down in the woods, would anyone hear it?) But I guess the two aren’t the same. I can justify sound waves. I cannot see any hole in my chest, but I feel it. I feel a longing for something I cannot even put words to. Hope perhaps? Happiness? Love? (gasp, I hate that word. It’s so tv/movie/music romanticized and I think the reality of it is so far from what most people think.)
And while I’m ranting to the great “NOT THERE” since I’m guessing that’s who I’m ranting to, what happened to the story I wasn’t supposed to be writing right now? Where’d it go? Oh…ha…that’s right. I had thought things were going to go one way…and then they didn’t yet again. And now I’m sitting here, baffled.
Maybe I really do need that bonk on the head.
Acceptance…
Posted on | March 19, 2010 | Comments Off
It’s definitely one of those nights where I’m having a hard time accepting what I cannot change. Or maybe there are some things I can change. Ok, so I’m stuck on the knowing the difference between what I can and cannot change. Or maybe it’s willingness to make changes even when they are scary. Yeah, that is definitely it. I’m scared.
Fear is definitely keeping the misery level high. Tonight I was reminded that other people need me to get my act together. I guess I really have been selfish. Whoever just said “I told you so” in my head, you know where you can stuff it.
To my wonderful “NOT THERE”, I think it’s going to be story time. Enough about me…if it ever really was. After all, I don’t know who I am. Time to play around a bit. More to come…
How does one follow up aliens???
Posted on | March 17, 2010 | Comments Off
Ok, so I’m not really sure how one follows up a post like that last one. I don’t really think there are aliens in my head, but something sure has screwed up my internal clock and I was up till the wee hours of the morning trying to keep myself entertained since sleep was apparently out of the question. I probably should have gone down and practiced sword fighting for my next Lara Croft anxiety moment, or at least searched the web for a Lara Croft looking outfit to wear while battling. Could make for a good laugh. (Or cry!)
Alas I will leave coming up with something brilliant for another time. Until then…
Abducted by aliens???
Posted on | March 17, 2010 | Comments Off
Ok, enough of the third person crap and poor attempts at imagery and cryptic content. The truth is, I’d like to believe my mind has been taken over by something not of this earth. I am suffering from “memory bursts” as if my mind is a chest of drawers that someone is randomly digging through, tossing things out that have been packed away a good long time. Not all of the memories are complete, like moth eaten sweaters, there are holes, which I do try and sew up, but alter to suit me. (Am I starting with the whole imagery thing again? Geez, I cannot stop can I?)
So, not of this earth you ask? (you are wondering, aren’t you?) Perhaps I want my life to be more interesting than it really is. Some simply call me dramatic. I’d give up every bit of it to understand what the hell is going on in there (my head) and to know who I really am. Seriously though, my head is spinning with memories and thoughts and ideas and yeah. I’m kinda done with it all and want to move on to a blissful state of happiness as shown to be attainable in one of my recently aquired self help books.
See, I’m in denial obviously, so I must blame alien technology for this latest blustery mess in my head. Or, maybe something sinister happened that night I spent in the hospital back in December. You never know what the hell is in those IV bags. I could have been given some nanobots intravenously which are now wreaking havoc in my head. I just picture the little guys floating around, trying to catalog the mess in there. One of them I even picture in a perfectly tailored three piece suit. I’ll call that one Ianto.
We NEED MISERY in our lives. If for nothing else, to make the beautiful things, the really spectacular things, that much more special. I felt the need to clarify that for some reason, right now. Sorry for the interuption.
If some alien wants to sift around in my head to figure me out, so be it. Just as long as I’m given a full report when the mission is completed. I’d really love to know who I am. Hmm, I keep saying that. I’m in crisis.
So, to the “NOT THERE” that I’m writing to, (Credit to Stephen King for the aforementioned in quotes) please hang on because this ride is going to get a little crazier. I’m on a mission…to boldly go….wait…that’s not it. Let’s just say I’m scribbling on my little piece of the internet right now. The whole damn world’s falling apart anyway. This may be my greatest work of art yet…
Monsters Monsters Everywhere and not a drop to drink!!!
Posted on | March 15, 2010 | Comments Off
Any time she stopped…whether it be stopped reading, stopping watching tv, stopped listening to her mp3s…the monsters would make a move. She would have been thrilled if the big yelling dog would have kept them away, but that, unfortunately, was not the case. So, she would have to choose a weapon to fight them, or run and hide back in a book or something. Tonight was no exception, and her pause from internet surfing left the door open. Her chest tightened and her breathing became shallow and rapid. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and imagined herself with a sword. A smile crossed her face as she envisioned herself looking like Lara Croft, oh how she loved strong women. She had trained in sword fighting (if you call the wii training) so she was ready to battle whatever her mind had planned for her. And she looked pretty good.
A few more deep breaths and she felt better. This one wasn’t so bad. Other times she required the aid of Sir Klonopin who would ride in and assist her as needed and all she had to do was swallow.
But not tonight. Tonight she would just breathe. And maybe wave her sword around a bit…
Skeletal trees need the flesh of green to bring hope…
Posted on | March 15, 2010 | Comments Off
Another miserable day. “Will it ever end?” she wondered aloud. This had definitely been the worst winter she could remember. The most snow and lately the most rain and wind and the grayest skies which would depress even the happiest person. She imagined looking out her window to see the green of leaves, but that was a while off yet. A blue sky would be nice. Any “color” would be nice in her world but it seemed that everything was gray and her mood definitely reflected that.
Each day presented itself as a new opportunity, one she seemed to have a hard time taking advantage of. Perhaps it was supposed to be this way. Perhaps something miraculous would appear before her eyes as she lay in her bed staring out at the gray sky. It was possible. Anything was possible. It was possible she’d actually accept her fate and quit denying it, quit being angry with it, and make the best of it. It was possible that everything really was going to be ok. It was possible that dogs really could send strong messages and rubber band balls could represent something other than misery collected. It was possible she would believe in herself.
She took another moment to look out the window and be grateful that indeed the skeletal trees were what she was looking at and not something worse…
Circles…
Posted on | March 14, 2010 | Comments Off
How many times does a normal person go around in a circle before realizing that if they do not change their path, they will end up exactly where they began?
Nothing like a funeral to force you out of bed…
Posted on | March 9, 2010 | Comments Off
It wasn’t as if death was some stranger to her, something she’d only seen in movies or on rare occassion when a family member or friend died. She knew it a little more up close and personal, had helped fight it off with the good guys, and even won once or twice. Death to her was a natural part of things. Unless it was a young person, something sudden and unexpected, she was usually just grateful that the individual was out of his or her suffering. It was the people still living that bothered her. This weird clumping together, usually accompanied by drinking and someone being completely out of line, that really was not her thing. She didn’t drink anymore and she found no pleasure in hanging around those who did. She also tended to have a warped sense of humor when it came to funerals, a defense mechanism that began with the first one she attended as a child. This one ought to be good in that respect. The cast of characters was always good for a laugh no matter what the occassion.
She sat quietly pondering her options of attire for the event. She so wanted to wear a little hat of some sort but figured it would be too formal and would also require a trip to the mall which made her shudder and her stomach lurch. She will have to make due with what she could find in her closet. No one would really care, this wasn’t about her.
She wished she could take a full breath and just breathe like a normal person. Somehow everything was going to be ok. Life was hard sometimes but you have to deal…Now was as good as time as any to get up.
RIP “H” we will miss you…
A tear…
Posted on | March 8, 2010 | Comments Off
She found herself once again curled up in her bed with a book, buried in a reality that was anything but her own. It was tearing her apart because she knew deep down inside exactly what she needed to be doing, and this wasn’t it. But the fear and anxiety paralyzed her and she realized she was missing out on life. This was no way to live.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way…but it is…so deal with it. GET UP! There are plenty of people worse off than you. GET UP! You are not unique. GET UP! You are not alone…She wasn’t was she? If she’d been alone, she’d already have been gone by now…lost so far in her own head no one could have found her. But she wasn’t, and there were other positives she didn’t even see, yet.
A tear rolled down her face as she thought about what might have been and how angry she was that things didn’t work out. The physical pain was getting to her but the mental anguish was crushing…so hard to take even a full breath. She would be ok. The dog said so. But she had to get up…
And finally…
Posted on | March 8, 2010 | Comments Off
She got up….She took a shower, changed the sheets and hoped that this would be the start of something. And that the dog would stop yelling.
Hello out there
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