P.S.
Posted on | April 11, 2010 | 3 Comments
P.S. I know you exist in there because I was there when they took the scans. I’ve seen you. I know where you are. I know where you live. Now help me out!
To The Attention of The Contents Of My Skull:
Posted on | April 10, 2010 | Comments Off
Dear Gray matter, Assorted fluids and whoever else is concerned,
I’ve been feeling a bit “down” as you know and I’d really like to find my way back up again. I don’t understand all this nonsense about chemical imbalances and synaptic miscommunications. The doctors very obviously have no idea what they are doing and it would seem reasonable to me if you would just tell me what the problem is, we could correct this in a jiffy. If what they say is true about the human mind, there should be no reason why you can’t give me some sort of sign, signal or impression in my next tortilla to let me know exactly what I need to do to find happiness. At the very least, could you please hurry up and figure out if this latest medication is going to work or not so we can yay or nay it and I can move on with my life? Thank you.
Very sincerely yours,
Zombie-Girl.
Comfort shopping…
Posted on | April 10, 2010 | Comments Off
She felt a bit better after clicking the purchase button a few times. She had bought gifts for family and that made her feel good. You can never go wrong with books and one was even a book every writer should have, “The Elements of Style Illustrated“. Who could resist that cover? That alone made you want to just have the book on a table somewhere. At least she felt that way about it. She hoped its recipients would also feel the same.
She’d struggled all day with her thoughts and wanting to write. She couldn’t get comfortable. She couldn’t think. She didn’t want to think. She was coming up with excuses. She didn’t like the color of the background in Word 7. (Now that was a lame excuse not to write.) Every sound was a distraction, even the temperature and level of moisture in the air was bothering her. It was just one of those days where every excuse was going to come into play and nothing significant was going to get done. Lots of preparation. Lots of supplies. That was always the way.
She just wanted to close her eyes and drift off to somewhere else. The first place that came to her mind was Cardiff, Wales. She wanted to visit Cardiff, Wales. Now this was not a completely researched idea yet. But she was pretty certain this was indeed No. 1 on the list of places to visit that require a passport. She did not, however, have a passport and had not done anything yet to obtain one. So there was no rush to go on this trip. But for all intents and purposes, this was just a closing the eyes and drifting off moment, so that’s where she wanted to be.
She imagined herself in Roald Dahl Plaas looking at the water sculpture and taking lots and lots of photos. She also wanted to sit with a journal, preferably one purchased there in Wales, made of leather, and write something meaningful. After all, Roald Dahl is, after all, on her favorite writer list. It would be only fitting to sit in his “plaas” (Nearby Llandaff was where he was born) and write something.
And then there was the Dr. Who and Torchwood connection. And John Barrowman. *swoon* That would require an entire blog entry which would be saved for another time.
But Cardiff would be in her future, it was a goal, a dream and hopefully would give some wonderful life experience to write about. And that’s what she would think about tonight, a future happy.
Just keep writing…
Posted on | April 8, 2010 | Comments Off
Her Mother said, “Just keep writing“…and so she did.
Her eyes were swollen, tears had left her clothing damp and her mood dark…but she kept writing. She wrote about how proud she was of a certain young man who was taking responsibility around the house while his stepmother was receiving her chemo. She wrote about how it was unfair that he had to shoulder this responsibility at his age, but that he was handling it like a real man. She wrote how she was sorry that he had to grow up so fast. She wrote that he was truly what every new mom would dream her son would grow up to be. She kept writing. And she cried…
Early morning mist…
Posted on | April 8, 2010 | Comments Off
There was mist in the air as the heat and humidity began to rise. The birds sounded happy, though the owl appeared to be absent. The dog was snoring. She was awake. This inconsistency was really getting to her, but life was inconsistent. Perhaps this was just another lesson to be learned.
She was thinking about taking a walk, but that was probably all she would do (think about it) because it was getting too hot. She was also thinking about cardio boxing with the nintendo wii which would leave her invigorated to say the least. (sore and sweaty and probably running for her inhaler as well) She was also thinking about curling up with the book she’d started late yesterday. She had some errands she could run, some phone calls to make…yet she found herself sitting on the landing staring out the skylight at a treetop. Perhaps she’d just sit there for a while…
Hot summer’s night in April…
Posted on | April 7, 2010 | Comments Off
The windows were open and as she walked by the foot of her bed, she noticed her down comforter, which had been crushed into the rungs of the antique iron foot-board due to the heat, looked a bit like a modern day wedding gown, all poofy and white. It left her with a little ache in her heart, but things didn’t always go as we planned. (This sounded familiar) A song, Glory Of Love
She felt as if she was letting go of something, or perhaps gaining something. She wasn’t 100% sure which at the moment but she didn’t care. She liked the feeling. Maybe she was just finally growing up. (Heaven forbid, why would anyone want to?) What a great song she thought…as I’m Still Breathing
She was giving a lot of thought to letting go tonight, healing wounds that cut deep, and starting over. She wondered how many people were out there tonight, listening to music, their hearts empty because they couldn’t open up or they couldn’t let go or they couldn’t accept their significant other as being enough? How many threw something away that was good to them, good enough for them, but they just did whatever they did for whatever their reason? How many bad decisions were made tonight as she listened to her music, how many mistakes? How many regrets? She wouldn’t kid herself. She’d been there. But tonight, she was letting go…
She thought of her ramblings as emotional vomit that most probably should end up in the trash…but maybe someone will think, someone will smile, someone will remember, someone will be one step closer to letting go too…
Smoke and Mirrors…
Posted on | April 7, 2010 | Comments Off
An illusion…a story being told. That’s what she felt like. The last self help book she picked up went right back where it came from. She didn’t care anymore about finding her “authentic self” because if it was in there, it was so far buried under the so called “helpful medication” (The Muppet Medication as she would now dub it) that she would probably never find it…
She listened to the music of her favorite band and smiled knowing that there was a 14.5 year old on the opposite side of the country learning to play these same songs on his guitar. She was still hip. This music was just so good. She liked to listen carefully and try to pick out each instrument. It was so powerful. She still got goosebumps at just that special moment of certain songs. (Like “Everything
She realized she was smiling more often. This of course wasn’t good for the wrinkle department but nothing a good moisturizer couldn’t combat. It was good for her. And maybe she was finding some of that thing called happiness in little places here and there. Not everything would be inspiring…not every word that came out of her would be beautiful prose…but she just had to listen to her Mama and keep on writing. Who knows? Maybe someday she’d have everything come into place and she’d be happy that life didn’t work out quite the way she had planned…
[Download Lifehouse's Smoke & Mirrors (Deluxe Amazon MP3 Exclusive Version)
What goes up…
Posted on | April 5, 2010 | Comments Off
Ok so perhaps she wasn’t down down, but she was definitely not up like yesterday. Sleep didn’t come easy, didn’t stay, and she woke very early which seemed inconsistent with what she’d experienced the last few days. Perhaps her “down” feeling was just lack of sleep. Perhaps yesterday’s “up” was overinflated. Whatever the case, the day went by slowly.
For a while, she stared out the open window enjoying the breeze and sound of the world outside. The birds were singing and the usual sounds of a suburban life could be heard. A little wind kicked up and caused the blinds to flutter in a manner that sounded an awful lot like something else which did have her literally rolling with laughter at one point. A tree branch, just beginning to bud itself, became the perch for a beautiful bird and she wondered if this would be the year she finally laid eyes on the “owl” that she knew was out there by its questioning call. It was a lovely day indeed…though she didn’t venture outside…not even to take a photograph of the flowers beginning to blossom on “the stick”.
Later that evening she seriously wondered if anyone was listening. She knew they read, but did they hear? Was she able to get across what she really wanted to say? Were they feeling what she was going through as they read? Were they at least smiling and laughing? She hoped so. She supposed that’s all she really wanted.
If she was, indeed, in the “must come down” phase, then she hoped that it was a short stay in that place when she got there. She hoped that she could crawl her way back up again and sing and laugh and dance in circles. (She’d be wearing something flowing for sure the next couple of days because it was going to be hot and there is no way she wanted to be down AND hot so “please, oh please, oh please,” she begged, “please let me wake up happy tomorrow!!!!!”)
Then she remembered with a smile. Happy comes from within. Well hot damn! She was gonna make some happy tomorrow like a “moonshiner during prohibition” if it killed her. (Perhaps a little overkill.) Drama. She always did that best.
Goodnight Mr (or Mrs) Owl…
[Download Lifehouse's Self titled album including Come Back Down
It’s time to play the music…
Posted on | April 4, 2010 | Comments Off
So she knew she was in trouble when she started her “Defraggler” and then began singing the theme to the Muppet Show. She hoped that she wasn’t the only one in the world who had done this very thing…perhaps she wasn’t even the only one doing it at that time. Ok, so she probably was. What bothered her more was that she could remember the lyrics to the entire opening of the show, but could barely remember her own name or find the right word sometimes. Oh but this medicine is supposed to help!!!! [Upon viewing this paragraph, she probably should have been singing the theme from Fraggle Rock, but what do I know?] ….. It’s time to light the lights …..
She kept herself busy but never really got anything done. She did seem a bit less ZombieGirlish so that was good. She had things to do, (things to put off) places to go (places to put off going) people to see (people to put off seeing) and she needed to be fresh and ready for the day!!! Well, Happy Easter and she didn’t even have any chocolate eggs. That’s just wrong. But not worth getting up for.
Ah tomorrow…tomorrow would be a Monday…a perfect day to start a new beginning (cough choke gag) and start her new adventure, whatever that may be. Maybe she’d begin one of the many projects she bought supplies for. Heaven knows there were plenty of supplies. But she had to be in just the perfectly perfect perfect perfect mood (did I say perfect?) to get going with her “hands on” creative inspiration. She did wish she had some clay. This would be a lovely time for clay. Perhaps baking sugar cookies would have to do.
Suddenly the Mr Roger’s theme song came to her head and she knew she was in even bigger trouble but it was much too warm for a cardigan.
Oh my dear friends, if you are reading, I have not lost it, but I do hope I have brought a smile. That is something I do think I might be good at from time to time. And if I have lost it, please remember that calling cards are welcome gifts in the psych ward. Thank you.
[Download The Muppet Show Theme Song 
Zombies are people too!
Posted on | April 3, 2010 | Comments Off
Looking in, a giant oak could be seen behind the huge iron gates that kept the sane out. The asylum exterior was brick with ivy climbing its way beyond an old trellis and up into the roof lines. Painted sills were chipped and bits of brick crumbling. A birds nest was tucked away high in an eve, but the structure was well maintained for its age. Flowers were planted in pleasant groupings and pathways were graced with benches and an occasional birdbath. Standing outside the gate, it looked most lovely.
She was still there, still standing OUTSIDE the gate, but she suspected she felt more like an occupant. ZOMBIE-girl was the only thing that came to mind to describe the way she felt today. She didn’t care much for it. It wasn’t conducive to getting much done since she wasn’t steady on her feet, but she was trying to be optimistic that these things take time to get adjusted to. The whole point was to get her up and going and to get her to mourn the loss of her former life and move on.
That said…she was going to stay on the outside of the gate as long as she could. She just hoped she didn’t scare anyone. Zombies can be scary after all.
[Download Rob Zombie's Living Dead Girl [Explicit]
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