Waking from a nap…
Posted on | April 20, 2010 | Comments Off
She never knew how she’d feel upon waking from an unexpected daytime nap. Sometimes she felt rejuvenated, and other times she felt as though she’d gone a round or two with a professional wrestler and lost. She woke this time having obviously slept wrong on her ear, what she liked to call the “Van Gogh sign.” She would wake with a hauntingly weird outer ear pain, the kind of pain that would make you want to cut your ear off if it didn’t go away soon enough. Luckily for her, it usually went away relatively quickly.
The sky today was an absolutely amazing shade of blue she thought, with white puffy clouds. (Yes, those same puffy clouds that reminded her of her brother Josh snowboarding) The bright blue, the brilliant green, the crisp white all painted the most beautiful painting outside her window she could hardly take her eyes from it. As birds sang and squirrels stormed by (my they were fast) she knew spring was in full bloom and she was absolutely hiding inside from life after waiting all winter for it to come.
Why is it she knew exactly what she wanted to do, but she couldn’t will herself to get up and do it? What a beautiful day it was to take her camera with her for a walk. What good a walk would do her. What marvelous things she would see and stories she could tell. But she trapped herself inside. The monsters kept her feeling as if she must stay put.
She looked out at the blooming flowers and wanted to get closer than just a window’s distance. She wanted to take photos and share the beautiful pink almost the same as her toes…but she couldn’t get herself to step outside…and she had things to do. Oh she had things she MUST do. Perhaps a pill to slay the monsters…though she wasn’t really into harming anyone. Just to tame them a bit would be nice…just to get a few things done…just to see the flowers…
MacArthur Park
Posted on | April 20, 2010 | Comments Off
Another trip down musical memory lane had our heroine’s ipod playing MacArthur Park
The most interesting piece of trivia related to any of this is that the late Richard Harris later went on to play the original Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies. Not everyone knew that.
Donna Summer
“Someone left the cake out… in the rain. I don’ think that I can take it, because it took so long to bake it, and I’ll never have that recipe again… oooooooh nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Mulysa
Posted on | April 20, 2010 | Comments Off
Her blue fuzzy slippers had a pebble in them and she sat upon the bench to slip one off and remove the offending stone. She rubbed her foot and replaced the slipper looking around as though she felt she’d been watched. She rubbed her slipper against her shin and sort of tucked them beneath herself in order to hide their almost comedic appearance. They were, after all, blue fuzzy slippers.
A man came out to the bench dressed in a security uniform. He was an old man, his face weathered by the sun, his uniform a bit large and in need of ironing. He asked her if she was okay and did she need him to make a call for her. This was no place for a young woman to be sitting around. She wasn’t that young, but he was pretty old. And she thought she belonged here, but perhaps she did not. She looked up at the window and saw Mulysa, the little girl from before, smiling down on her.
“Ma’am, you don’t belong here in this here Asylum, you best be getting home” he said. “I can call you a cab if you like.”
The man sauntered off and into the building and she sat fidgeting her slippers and holding her clothing tightly around her. She thought she belonged here. She reached down again to fix her slipper and as she rose up, Mulysa was sitting beside her.
“You startled me” she said.
“You aren’t supposed to be here.” Mulysa said.
“Yeah, that’s what the guard said” but when she turned to face her again, Mulysa was gone.
The cab pulled up and she hesitated getting in, wondering what the driver must think, a woman in blue fuzzy slippers catching a cab in front of an Asylum. The ivy growing up the brick looked so lovely today. The flowers were in bloom. The oak tree so magnificent. But it wasn’t her time…
The Post Office
Posted on | April 20, 2010 | 2 Comments
She knew she had to get to the post office. She had to because it was April and she had packages that had to be mailed that *technically* were supposed to have been Christmas gifts. Now the recipients of said Christmas gifts were obviously enabling this bad behavior by being so understanding. It was terribly rude to tell someone they were going to get a gift or that something had been on order and was late and then to get it and then never mail it. Of course, she could always save the gifts for next Christmas, but by then they would have become misplaced and new gifts would be ordered and not mailed and the cycle would continue.
Which then led her to think about the buttons. She had some special buttons she wanted to send to a wonderful friend who had kept her going more than she knew. And she had already missed a mailing day. She needed to go tomorrow and get them mailed. But what about all the other packages. Well, there wasn’t really an “all”, but rather “two” others that should be assembled and mailed as well. Would this stop her? Would she assemble them and mail them as well, or would she just mail the buttons and put off mailing the holiday gifts yet again??? And then would she have to go to the library because it is near the post office. And what about the grocery store?
There are no groceries. She must go to the grocery store. One cannot survive on clementines alone. But what about the buttons? And what about the other packages? And should she stay until after the mail is delivered in case anything has to be signed for? This could mean a delay in getting going which could then lead to a halt in the whole process. A certain “flop” which leads to a whole lot of nothingness. AND, there is nothing worse than getting a note that says there is a package now waiting at the post office!!! That would just take the cake!
She would just have to wake up, prepare all of the packages, and make them all nice for everyone involved. Hopefully she could find everything and remember who got what. Wait for the mailman. Make a grocery list. Collect the library books to go back. Collect all the Eco-friendly bags to go to the grocery store. Take a sedative. Be sure it’s safe to drive of course…and be off to the post office…
Clouds
Posted on | April 20, 2010 | 2 Comments
She looked inside the closet, but there weren’t any monsters tonight. They must have gone out, she thought to herself. She looked under the bed, but all she saw was some clutter, some storage containers, a couple old magazines, an empty water bottle and some more clutter but no monsters. They must have gone out as well. How very rude to not invite all of the monsters out. She pondered this for a while, wondering if they were playing a trick on her. She looked behind the door. She looked everywhere she thought they could hide. Well. I guess we’re alone tonight she laughed. The monsters in her head laughed with her.
She closed her eyes and opened them to see a doorway. But her usual doorway had changed, and she suspected it lead to somewhere special tonight. She stepped around the bed towards the door, her pink toenail polish glistening in the light from the lamp. She stopped briefly at the closet and took out a beautiful white flowing dress and carefully slipped into it. She replaced the hanger into the closet and then approached the door. She took a deep breath then closed her eyes and stepped into the darkness of the doorway…
At first she felt her anxiety return as she didn’t have a firm footing, but when she relaxed and opened her eyes again, she realized she was walking on clouds. It was an odd, cool feeling under her bare feet, but yet solid enough to walk upon. She felt a warm sensation of comfort wash over her and a presence of someone familiar. Her delicate white dress gently blew in the breeze as the clouds floated along.
A bird appeared, a tiny zebra finch she recognized as a childhood pet named Max. Only this Max could talk. And what Max told her, had her wiping her tears within moments, but they were happy tears. She was happy knowing they were all okay. Especially Josh, her brother, as the anniversary of his death was coming up soon, and “almost 19″ was too young to die. She thanked Max for the information and she felt the hugs and warmth from her family and friends in the breeze that blew as she walked about the clouds, the same clouds she’d imagined Josh snowboarding on everytime she looked up. As she returned to the doorway, she couldn’t help but feel blessed to have been given this little bit of hope…
She closed her eyes and when she opened them, she found herself back in her room, her doorway leading back to the same old hall as it always had. The white dress was hanging in the closet, and the faintest song of a zebra finch could be heard.
Zero Bravery Lots of Excuses
Posted on | April 19, 2010 | 2 Comments
She wasn’t always the girl with the SMTWTFS pillbox, unable to leave the house most days. She was afraid to look in the mirror as the reflection might make her realize her life was truly wasting away. She used to be someone else, but that person wasn’t here today. Who knows where “she” went. She was hiding perhaps in the attic or amongst the myriad of junk in the garage. She was hiding in the whispers of the people who once knew her, wondering what happened to that often vibrant girl, who could make everyone smile with a smile of her own. She was hiding from herself in her own head, amongst the thoughts and ideas, in the catacombs of memories, in the journeys yet to be taken.
She was buried under a huge pile of anger and grief and loss. She was pissed off. She was mad at herself as if she wasn’t good enough, even though that wasn’t the case. That “not good enough” title worked so well on so many occasions. It was so used to being there, and she wore it proudly like a Miss America sash. Oh where was that tiara now?
She was really mad at herself. She was letting others down. She wondered what the whispers were saying this time…
Walking through strange places
Posted on | April 19, 2010 | 2 Comments
She took a “walk” of sorts this morning, though she never left her bed. She travelled to a tree outside her window which she passed through without it even opening. It was a beautiful tree with vibrant green leaves and she smiled at the life the color represented. She travelled to a pink azalea bush alive with color almost unreal to nature, but there it was before her. She looked beneath it and said hello. She heard no reply. She climbed onto the tree next to a bird and sat as still as could be, trying to have a conversation with the bird, but she hadn’t taken that language in school. She told them French would be useless.
She tried to catch up to a squirrel but he was just too fast and she thought better of climbing so high in her condition. Her neck was still in too much pain to be dangling quite that high, the trip up to the bird was high enough. She waved a hello but got no reply. Perhaps he didn’t see her. Perhaps he was jealous of her haircut.
She closed her eyes and journeyed to a school classroom of fourth graders, an art class, and sat quietly at a table in the back. She smiled up at the teacher but made the symbol of shhhhh and grabbed a charcoal pencil and some paper. She quickly drew some powerlines and birds sitting upon them…most of the birds were facing to the left…but a few to the right. She gave the picture to the teacher, whispered in her ear “thank you for everything” and told her she’d be back again another time and closed her eyes once more and was gone.
She arrived this time on the beach in California, with water so cold she barely could stand her toes touching as she walked along its edges looking for shells and sea glass. She remembered finding an abalone shell as a child that she still had to this day…a treasure from long long ago. She bend down and picked up a piece of sea glass, small, shaped like a triangle, and placed it in her pocket. She heard the fog horn in the distance and the smell of the salt air and seaweed was so comforting. She loved Half Moon Bay. But it was time to go. She closed her eyes and back to her room she went.
The window…the skeletal trees were all but gone, just a few branches in need of full coverage and she’d be surrounded by life dancing…
Monday
Posted on | April 19, 2010 | Comments Off
“Good morning Monday.” She thought today was like any other morning, aside from the hiccups, but decided to be gracious and say good morning anyway. She’d recognized a need for gratitude in her life, and it wasn’t just because someone on the Oprah show said so. When you see certain things, you just know you need to be grateful for what you have, and grateful for what you have not.
She looked at the photo of “Pea” that was sent to her by a very special young man and budding photographer. She liked the composition for some reason. She also liked the quiet contemplation on Pea’s face. She knew Pea was not long for this world. Pea was also living in a home with someone who was battling cancer and she wondered if Pea could sense it. Whatever the case may be, the look on this dog’s face told her that the dog knew something was ahead. She hoped whatever it may be, it come with gentleness and grace to the recipient.
She was grateful she wasn’t the one battling the cancer and vowed to help in any way she could to make it easier for this woman who ironically had once not been the friend that she is today. She longed this morning for days gone by when she was able to do things more easily and the world wasn’t a panic attack waiting to happen. She recognized instantly that she was being impatient, a good sign, and said “One day at a time.” It truly astonished her how very different things were for her now. But she would manage.
She glanced again at the photograph…dignity and grace…
Standing at the gates…
Posted on | April 18, 2010 | Comments Off
She found herself standing at the gates once more. The tall iron was cool to the touch. There was a breeze in the air and the smell of freshly cut lawn. The flowers were, as always, well maintained inside the gate and along the pathways. The benches and the birdbaths lay vacant. The vines climbing up the old brick reached up like hands grasping towards the windowsills. No one appeared to be looking out, at least not that she could see.
She looked down and saw she was wearing blue fuzzy slippers and shifted uncomfortably at the thought of this being noticed. There wasn’t anyone around but the iron doors were slightly ajar. She wasn’t sure if she should enter and sit down on a bench or walk away. Where would she go? She decided she would go inside and sit down. There was so much on her mind.
A little girl came and sat next to her.
“It’s getting late!” the little girl said… “My name is Mulysa. M-U-L-Y-S-A.”
She looked over at the little girl’s pale face and dark eyes and wondered if she should have been outside unattended. She also thought that was a very unique spelling for the name. She looked down at her blue fuzzy slippers again embarrassed, but when she lifted her head, Mulysa was gone.
She stood up and looked around when movement from a window caught her eye. It was a little girl who looked just like Mulysa up on the third floor looking out the window. . .
Alien Invasion…
Posted on | April 18, 2010 | Comments Off
Sweet Sunday. And isn’t nature amazing? Doesn’t that photo just make you think things? It is almost alien in nature. Maybe it is an alien. You never know these days. She definitely thought the neighbor was.
She wasn’t sure how she felt about the whole alien thing. Most of the time she felt as if she was one compared to everyone else. She certainly wasn’t the same. But then people would say all artists were <insert some descriptive word like weird here> and that was that. She did know she believed we weren’t alone in the universe. She saw it on Dr. Who, and Captain Jack Harkness was going to come rescue her some day, if only in a really good dream. (Hey she could hope!) Although at the rate she was going, she’d be travelling the universe in a dressing gown like Arthur Dent. That wouldn’t be good.
She always thought space travel would be good for her. She was very good at seeing beauty in things that others found difficult to look at. (No, she didn’t want to be an astronaut, she wanted to be a space traveller in the Tardis, get it right.) What a wonderful thing to journey through space and time and meet famous people, witness famous events and save the world. Of course, she wasn’t sure if this new hair cut was going to be right for such an occasion, but since they hadn’t shown up for her yet, she figured she was ok.
She hadn’t mentioned the hair again since Friday because she’d been ignoring it which is what she did for the first day or two. She liked to let the color set so she didn’t wash it right away. She knew a lot of work went in to making her look like an alien in the salon…foils everywhere. It seems to be a great deal of effort to make her look almost exactly the same except for one streak of caramel across the front but she could be mistaken. She had two burned out bulbs to replace in the bathroom that she would be doing today so she could see what cost so damn much once she got properly washed and her curls were back in place.
She probably should have gone with the green like she thought on Friday…even if for the one second. At least it would have been fun. And maybe she’d really be mistaken for an alien.
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